Diary of an Ascending Addict

I was given a lifeline and I’m happy to say I took it. A trip with my aunt Nani and my cousin Happy to Fayed, on the Suez Canal.

The sea. My favorite landscape.

Concepts like meditation, inner peace and grounding energy kept repeating throughout my journey, remaining exactly that – concepts.

I practiced them sporadically, whimsically during parentheses of enhanced light, between healing crises. But that’s ok, I was doing things my way, like I’m known do to, marching to the beat of my own drum.

But these parentheses were always interrupted by self-sabotage, escapism and immediate gratification, the cornerstones of addiction. It was my norm.

Even in moments of deepest healing, eventually I’d go back to addiction, even if it was drinking every few weeks, drinking a day or two, walking around with IO. It was fun but it kept blocking the flow of this new me that was desperately trying to come online.

And that’s OK too. I was still deep in healing.

Io’s death came as the single most powerful push to really get meditating, grounding and feeling inner peace. It’s become the new norm.

Once you fell that kind of peace, connection and stability, addictions become pointless.

Nothing can compare to inner peace, once you’ve had a good taste of it, you only crave more. There’s a good addiction for you, except it not, it’s our natural state of being before the amnesia and the illusion of separation set in.

Pablo and Io drove this truth home for me, all the way home. They’re gone from this dimension as physical beings but they’re with me every day, right beside me, I can’t see them through my physical eyes but that’s what the third eye is for. And to be honest it’s just as good, even though I still miss them through my senses. But the grief has been transmuted, the sadness almost instantly comforted by their presence.

The funny thing is that I knew this. Like Candace Owens often says: ‘We don’t know, know. But we know, you know?

Well, now I know.

You can live two different realities at the same time, two separate truths can co-exist together.

The shadows of the past slowly drifting away and the silhouette of the future drawing inexorably closer.

I exist in that liminal space.

The darkest of dark nights of the soul leads to light.