Diary of an Ascending Addict

It’s past midnight, I’m climbing the walls. Something’s got to give. Somehow this is over. I woke up with this realization. Somehow this phase of my journey is obsolete. There’s a new realization taking form. You always wake up from your last realization.

Somehow drinking has become secondary, almost irrelevant. I’ll drink today and tell you whether or not it’s true.

I’ll stop micromanaging myself to the point of madness. Somehow drinking is not the end, not even the beginning. It’s just another state that is not an addiction anymore. That’s the miracle. I might be wrong but I have to experience it for myself. I’ll let you know my findings, I’m no doctor or therapist but I think I have transmuted addiction, not really, not all the way but integrated it as a pleasure, no longer an immediate gratification. I might be wrong but we’ll soon find out. Either I’m drawn straight back to illusion and denial or I’ve jumped right in my 2.0 neural pathways. Only time will tell.

There’s always something to fix, to micromanage, to heal. You keep on doing it and it invariably turns into another endless night of the soul. You never heal but continually seek a new healing.

The spiritual ego who’s always seeking perfection.  

Matt Kahn says come as you are. Don’t wait for a prefect version of you: come as you are. I’m willing to take the risk. So I can move on and come as I am, I’m good enough just as I am.

Saying this is liberating.

Only time will tell. And the action I take henceforth.

It’s now 3 pm. I didn’t go out, didn’t drink. My insanity scares me. I know how powerful the delusions, the denial of addiction are. You feel on top of the world after a few sips then come crashing down in the abyss of self-loathing, incredulous that you let this happen yet again. For what? For what?

Everything I wrote sounds like the demented fabrications of a feverish mind. Except for the Matt Khan part. Come as you are. That’s the best spiritual advice you can get. That’s the exact moment when the healing starts. And yes purging, healing, integrating is a process. At your own pace. I’ve been at it for years and I intend to keep trusting the process.

I don’t feel much better, but I don’t feel worse. And that’s saying something.